Medical mystery
by Metroids ate my Brain
Summary: When something causes Seras to start having seizures and hallucinations, it's up to everyone's favorite cynical doctor to fix her. Lots of 4th wall breaks. Xover w/ House.
1. Cold open

Real world  
_**Seras' hallucinations**_

----------------------------

Seras was sitting in her room, quietly reading a book. She heard the door opening. When she looked up, there was Walter.

"Oh, hello Walter."

"Hello, Ms. Victoria. I was just walking down the hall when I thought I might check up on you, see if there was anything you needed."

"I don't need anything, Walter, but thanks for checking."

"Very well, I guess I shall be on my way."

_**But he didn't leave. He flipped out his microfilament wire, and they wrapped themselves around her body. He pulled them tight, and they sliced off her thin nightgown, leaving her exposed. She could feel them slicing into her skin as well. Walter began to speak. **_

"_**Well, if you don't need anything, I guess I just take what I want and leave." She screamed out.**_

Walter came running back into her room.

Miss Victoria, are you sure you don't…" He saw her on the ground, twitching and screaming. He pulled out his cell phone and called 911.

"Hello, 911. Yes, I need an ambulance right away…"


	2. Meet the team

Seras came to in a hospital. She was, to say the least, rather disoriented, as one would be after having something like what she had. Beside her was Walter.

"Walter, what's going on? Where am I?"

"You've suffered a seizure, I believe. I had you brought here, the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. They have the best diagnostic team in the world. They'll figure out what's wrong in no time."

"Where are the others?"

"Well, I'm afraid Sir Integra couldn't make it, and Alucard would have just stood out too much. So it's just me for now."

Meanwhile, at the other end of the hallway, Dr. House and Dr. Cuddy were talking about their newest patient.

"So" House began "We have a 20 year old female. Brought in with seizures and hallucinations." He popped a vicodin into his mouth.

"Yes, but that's not all. The person that brought her in said that… well, I'm still not sure what to make of it… He said she was a vampire."

"Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you stop jerking me around."

"That's what he said."

"And how sure are you that he wasn't jerking you around?"

"House, I don't think a 69 year old man would get his jollies from jerking people around."

"Hey, stranger things have happened. Plus, people lie. I know it's a relatively new concept for you but it happens."

He hobbled into Seras' room,and looked at his new patient. Sears eyed him curiously, not quite expecting what she saw.

"Are you ..."

"Yes. I'm Dr. House. I'll be making sure you get better, so that I won't have to deal with you anymore."

"But we've only just met. Howt can you tell if you can't deal with me yet?"

"Trust me, I just know these , All my patients piss me off, why should you be any different?" He popped another vicodin. Finally, Walter spoke up.

"That pill you're taking, it's vicodin, if I'm not mistaken."

"Yea, and your point is?"

"Vicodin is an made with an opilate extract. Are you sure you should be taking them while at work?"

"Yes. First, they help me with the constant pain I'm in, second, they don't interfere with my job, and third, it's really none of your business, now is it? In fact, why don't you just scram so that I have one less person to talk to, okay?"

With that, Walter left, not wanting to be insuted anymore.

"So…" He looks at her chart "Seras, you were brought in with seizures and hallucinations, or so I'm told." She nodded her head. "I'm also told you're a vampire, is this true, or is my leg getting pulled again. Because if it's the latter, I'm going to need some more vicodin."

"No, it's true. Walter wouldn't lie about something like that."

"Walter… is he the old chap I told to scram?"

"Yes, and be nicer to Walter. He's a good person."

"I'll tell you what. Let's play a game. It's a favorite of mine. I call it "Breaking the 4th wall" Here's the way it works. I'm a character on a TV show, and, as there are no vampires in my show's reality, that must mean you're from a different show. So, here's what I'm going to do. Normally, I'd use my team of diagnosticians to solve cases like yours, but, since you're from a different show, I'm going to get some friends from different shows to act in their place."

"I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Never mind then." He snapped his fingers, and three doctors appeared by his side. He pointed to the first one, who was wearing a grey zip-up belly shirt under his lab coat. "This is Dr. Avondale Napyeer, although for some reason he wants to be called "Herr Doktor". Now, I'm not going to call him this, because I just wouldn't be me if I didn't try to make my friends miserable." He then pointed to the next one. "This is Dr. Cox. He and I go way back, all the way to cynical doctor's school." He then pointed to the 3rd doctor. "And this one, who, although not a real doctor, I brought him along for the pop culture reference."

"Is that Dr. Who?"

"Yes it is. My god, brains, body, and youth. Now, if we can only make you healthy, you'll be a perfect four out of four."

"Um, thank you, I guess."

"It wasn't really meant as a compliment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and solve this. See you in whenever I feel like it." He snapped his fingers, and the other doctors followed him out.


	3. Things get worse

Real world  
_**Seras' hallucinations**_

_**----------------------------**_

At House's office, the team was discussing possible courses of action. At the moment, Dr. Cox and herr doktor were arguing over what to do.

"It could be auto-immune. I say we…"

"Du shiessekopf. Ve vouldn't find anyzing. Vampires don't haf immune systems. In fact, zhe don't haf any living cells at all."

"Oh, and tell me, Shirley, how would you know that?"

"I study, dissect, und create vampires like her every day for mine job."

"And what is it that ya do?"

"I'm a mad scientist! Vhat I do ist none of your concern."

Dr. House butted in with a thought.

"I like what I'm seeing here. This conflict… It's good for coming up with a solution, but it's getting nowhere. Dr. Napyeer, you seem to know the most about vampires out of us, so I'm putting you in charge of this.

"Danke, Dr. House." He snapped his fingers. "I vant a lumbar puncture done on our patient at vonce. I also vant to do an MRI to scan var tumors, und I vant to do some blood cultures, just in case ve miss anyzing.

"Wait, you said that vampires don't have living cells? So why would you want to do a blood culture?" Dr. House interjected.

"It's simple, really. Vampires don't produce new blood, so any zhat ve remove vill tell us a lot about her. It vill also tell us vhat's in her system at ze moment, und if ve go from zhere, ve've just figured out a large portion of zhe case.

"I like it. Okay team, let's go."

Dr. Cox was in Seras's room, prepping her for the lumbar puncture.

"Okay, Barbie, this is going to hurt a lot, but it'll help you out a lot in the long run, so just bare with me for a little bit."

He steadied the needle, and inserted it. She let out a whimper. She had never felt such a pain in her entire life. She wanted to scream, and only just barely managed not to.

"Shhhh, It's okay Barbie. See, I'm almost half done."

The needle came to a stop. He grabbed an empty vial, and removed the stopper from the needle. A small amount of fluid came out, which he collected in the vial. He then removed the needle.

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it? I need to run this down to the lab after I do your blood test."

"You're going to stick another needle into me, right after you just did that?"

"Relax, Barbie. This is just a blood test, it won't nearly hurt as bad._** Besides, all I need to do is cut your arm open, and stick this here tube into it." He held up the tube he intended to use.**_

"_**NO! I'M NOT LETTING YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE TO ME!"**_

"_**Meh, I don't really care." He held her down, and called herr doktor into the room, and held out a scalpel."Hey, dok-Would you do the honors?"**_

"_**It vould be my pleasure." With that, herr doktor started slicing into her arm, laughing as copious amounts of blood spurted out, getting everywhere. He then left, having done what needed to be done.**_

Dr. Cox couldn't figure out what was going on. He hadn't even started the blood extraction when her eyes rolled backwards and she started screaming about her arm being sliced open.

"Hey, Barbie! Get a hold of yourself! I haven't even started doing anything yet.

Her eyes returned to normal.

"Why should I calm down! You just had your friend slice my arm open!"

"What are you talking about, Barbie? Nobody touched your arm. I haven't even drawn blood from you yet."

"Then why is my arm bleeding?"

"Your arm isn't bleeding, What're you…" He looked at her arm, and saw a massive amount of blood pouring from a large gap in her arm. "Oh, shit."

"I don't feel so good…" She couldn't finish her though, because at that moment, she threw up. Or rather, to be precise, she threw up a dark brown sludge. What happened next seemed to go in slow motion for Dr. Cox-she started to crash.

"Oh, shit. She's crashing, can I get someone in here?"


	4. Occam's razor

Seras awoke in her room several hours after she almost crashed. Dr House was sitting beside her bed.

"Dr., what happened? The last thing I remember was coughing up blood and…"

"You almost crashed on us. And it wasn't blood. It was some kind of sludge. We sent a sample of it down to the lab and we should have a result back in a few hours. Although by the way you look, we won't have that luxury."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that if we don't find out what's wrong with you, you're going to die. And very quickly I might add. You see, you've got what we call an "unknown disease". It's called that because, and here's the hard part to follow-we don't know what it is you've got. I've got Dr. Napyeer and Dr. Cox on the case. In fact, I think I should head back to my office." He popped a vicodin into his mouth. "And before I forget-To all of you out there in readerland, there's going to be a House marathon on January 20. This, however, coinciding with the inauguration of president Obama, few people will actually be watching it. I told the network heads they should have it on a different day, but nobody listened."

"Um, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing you need to worry about."

-----------------------------

An hour passed, and Seras was getting worse. Fortunately, the lab had just come back with the test results, so perhaps the team would be able to glean something useful out of it. Herr Doktor was the first to speak up.

"Vell, zhe lumbar puncture came back negative, und zhe blood culture didn't show anyzhing. Zhe analysis of zhe sludge, however, shows something very interesting. It's her liver."

"You mean her liver is the problem?"

"Nien, Dr. House. I mean zhe sludge vas her liver. Or rather, vhot ist left of it."

"You mean that her body is decaying form the inside out?"

"Essentially, yes. But in all my years of vork, I've never come across something that made a vampire decay from vithin. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Occam's razor. Zhe simplest solution ist often overlooked for a more complex one. I need to talk vith zhe patient."

-------------------------------

In Seras' room, Herr Doktor was talking with Seras.

"So tell me, Seras, vhen vos zhe last time you drank blood?"

"Never. I haven't had any yet. Master is always telling me to do it, but I don't. At least, not yet."

"Well, you need to start. You see, zhe bleeding und zhe necrosis of your liver were caused by your refusal to drink blood. Your body started to reject itself. You should have noticed zhat your body was dehydrated when you first had your hallucinations. In humans, hallucinations can be caused by a lack of fluids, und in vampires, zhe same thing applies. Alzho I've only ever seen it in a few very rare cases. I'll start you on a blood IV, und you'll get better in no time."

"Thank you. And you know, you're actually not a half bad doctor when you're not with that psycho Major."

"Danke."

-------------------------------

Everything was over. Seras had gone home, and the impromptu team of doctors were saying their goodbyes. Dr. House went first.

"Well, it's been swell seeing each of you again. I hope you'll forgive me for not calling more often, but hey, what can you do? Now if you'll excuse me, there's a new episode of Monk coming on in a few minutes, and I want to see it I can solve the case before he does."

"Vhell, I guess I should be off. Herr Major's probably vondering vhere I vhent."

"So, Dr. Cox, do you want to join us in our little circle of feelings, of are you just going to say goodbye?"

"Oh please, Betsy. You really think I'm going to just leave without saying goodbye to my oldest friends? Although I really should get going. Bobbo's going to get on my ass for just disappearing to another show. He always does."

And so they all parted ways, meeting up at doctor conventions around the country. They never, however, had another case like the one they had had, though.

Oh, and if some of you are wondering where Dr. Who disappeared to, he went off to fight Daleks in between the 2nd and 3rd chapters. He was never seen or heard from again.


End file.
